Kids Don’t Need Perfect Adults–They Just Need Adults Who Keep Trying: Practicing Character At Home
Written by Emily Murillo, MSW, MCPC: | Founder, PausePoints™ and Character Impact Lab member
Back-to-school season asks a lot of families. Everyone’s adjusting to new routines and expectations while the rest of life keeps moving at breakneck speed.
It’s not enough that we need to keep the whole logistical train moving while adding another (huge) activity into the middle of it all; we are also trying our hardest to raise kind, honest, well-rounded young people amid the chaos. And at the same time, many of us are learning these skills for the first time as adults. In many ways, our homes are just a bunch of people of all ages figuring life out as we go.
Parents and caregivers are expected to teach courage, empathy, resilience, and integrity. But we’re still practicing those things ourselves. We enter family life carrying our own histories, stressors, fears, and unfinished growth. Some of us are dealing with financial insecurity, demanding work, systemic barriers, or the lasting effects of difficult childhoods. Many are trying to offer young people something we may not have consistently experienced. That can be deeply meaningful. It can also be really messy.
Caught, Taught, Sought: How Character Is Learned and Practiced
Here is the good news:
Through my work (and through my own experiences as a parent), I’ve learned that character is shaped far less by what we tell young people (yes, even during all those soapbox moments) and more by what we practice alongside them.
Young people are paying attention all the time: to how we handle frustration, whether we apologize, how we treat people, what we do when our values are tested, and whether our actions line up with what we say.
In the character development world, we describe this as “Caught, Taught, Sought.” Character is caught through the people, relationships, and environments around us. It is taught when adults intentionally name, discuss, model, and practice it; And it is sought as young people begin to make those values their own: noticing, choosing, reflecting, and deciding how they want to show up in the world. Over time, those everyday experiences help young people build Essential Character Skills and strengthen Core Character Strengths they draw on in their relationships, decisions, leadership, and lives.
Which means our own practice matters. Practicing character consistently in your own life helps young people around you do the same. Even (and often, especially) when we get it wrong.
Young People Don’t Need Us to Be Perfect–They Just Need Us to Keep Trying: Creating Character Forward Environments™
We sometimes think character development has to happen under ideal conditions: a perfectly regulated adult, an attentive young person, and plenty of time for a thoughtful, cozy conversation. We’re asking young people to practice things we’re still working on ourselves.
I’m here to tell you, as a youth development professional and as a parent, that our kids do not need to perfect caregivers–they just need caregivers that keep showing up, even when we get it wrong.
Through what we say and do, we can show them: I’m still learning too. I won’t always get this right, but these values matter to me. Luckily, our kids and the young people we work with don’t need us to handle every moment perfectly. They need to see that when we get it wrong, we can try to repair the situation and then come back and try again.
There are a few words we might use to describe this. The few that come to mind for me are “authenticity”, “vulnerability”, and “accountability”: showing the real moments of struggle, learning, failing, and trying again. As caregivers, it can feel really vulnerable to learn out loud. We feel a lot of pressure to be the “best versions of ourselves” for our kids, and we often weren't shown how to be real and authentic by the adults in our own childhoods.
The really great thing is, when we are willing to do this, to practice character in real ways in front of young people, we are creating the kind of everyday environment where character can take shape and grow: a Character Forward Environment™.
These environments are intentionally created spaces that focus on character development and make a community’s (in this case, your family) values visible in its relationships, routines, expectations, and decisions.
As youth development professionals, we think about these environments as having four essential components:
Belonging & Relationships
Shared Values & Expectations
Challenge, Agency & Contribution
Reflection, Accountability & Repair
Of course, in your regular life, you are not going to be categorizing everything you do into neat buckets or components. Life is organic. And who has the time to run down a checklist each time you have an interaction to make sure you are “meeting all the criteria” for a youth development concept? The answer is nobody.
And yet, when you are willing to be vulnerable, authentic, and accountable, you are already doing the work of character development:
Practicing vulnerability invites others to do the same, creating belonging and deepening relationships.
Modeling accountability, learning, and resilience as a caregiver communicates to the young people in your home that these values are important, establishes what expectations you have of them, and what they can expect of you.
Being open to hearing about how your behavior or reactions affect other people, especially the young people in your care, and then modifying your behavior accordingly, models challenge, agency, and contribution.
Taking the time to ask questions, offer and receive feedback, and say “I’m sorry. I got that wrong. I will do better next time,” are reflection, accountability, and repair in practice.
Without even knowing it, you are creating Character Forward Enviroments™. No checklist or professional experience needed.
Putting It Into Practice: Creating “Pause Points™”
Now, how do we put all of this into practice while trying to keep everything else going?
When we’re hanging on by a thread some days, there’s not a lot of room to consider how we actually want to move through it. We tell ourselves we’ll have the meaningful conversation “when things slow down.” But let’s be honest…life doesn’t slow down on its own, and sometimes we just have to create the pause where we can.
I call these small moments “Pause Points™”– small openings to notice what’s happening, reconnect with what matters, and practice how we want to respond.
That pause might last only a few seconds: a breath before reacting, a question in line at the store, or the moment after snapping when an adult says, “That wasn’t how I wanted to handle that. Can we try again?”
Other pauses are more intentional: five minutes at bedtime, a conversation during a walk, or a little protected space for caregivers to reflect before stepping back into family life.
Below are two examples of Pause Points™ you can start practicing together. Hopefully you will see how simple these moments really are. They don’t require professional experience or any youth development training or knowledge. At their core, these are simple moments of intentional connection.
A family pause point doesn’t need some perfect dinner-table conversation. A little structure is enough: just a purpose, a couple of minutes, and space for both kids and adults to take part.
Together.
A Pause Point™ for Repair
Repair usually works better after everyone’s had a moment to settle (not while emotions are still at their highest). The adult can begin by naming their own part without defending or explaining it away.
With a younger child, that might sound like: “That was hard. I got louder than I wanted to, and I’m sorry. What was happening for you? What could we try next time?”
With a tween or teen: “I want to come back to what happened to understand it better. I know I contributed by ____. What do you wish I understood about you in that moment?”
Sometimes the pause comes only after a messy moment. It still counts and often counts the most.
A Pause Point™ to Notice Character Development
Character conversations work best when the question is not the first time the idea has appeared. Begin by choosing one quality to notice together.
You might say, “Let’s pay attention to courage this week…not superhero courage, but everyday courage, like asking for help or speaking up.”
Later, return to it: “Where did you notice courage today…in yourself or someone else? I’ll go first.”
With younger children, offer concrete examples. With tweens and teens, invite them to help define what courage (or kindness, honesty, curiosity, or another quality) actually looks like in their world.
Want to explore how PausePoints™ could support the caregivers and families you serve, or your own family? Learn more at PausePointsCo.com.
Emily Murillo is the founder of PausePoints™, a coaching and facilitation practice that helps mission-driven teams, caregivers, and families create space to reflect, reconnect with what matters, and bring greater intention to how they show up at work and at home.